WHY DO WE ACT OUT?
© 2022 – Don Gerdts. All Rights Reserved
Scripture Guidance
Galatians 5:16-25 There is a battle in our minds (Spirit vs. Sinful Nature)
Romans 7:5-6 (When we were controlled by our old nature), 15-24 But there is another power within me that is at war with my mind)
Think about old wounds, character defects and coping habits in place of “sinful nature”.
Justification
“She doesn’t understand me or take care of my needs. If she were just prettier or more adventuresome sexually, I wouldn’t need to do these things.” Marriage should end all of my sexual lust. My sexual struggles are our partner’s fault, or that I’ve married the wrong person.
We then feel justified in committing sexual sins. In our sick thinking, we see our sexual sin as having the positive benefit of preventing a divorce. We also tell ourselves that it’s OK to act out as long as “no one gets hurt.” We think that if we can just keep our sin a secret, especially from our wives, then no harm is done.
Entitlement
Sometimes we justify our sexual sins by thinking that we deserve it, which is a form of “entitlement.” Many of us have said to ourselves, “Nobody loves me and no one will take care of me. I have to do it for myself.” We believe no one else understands us and the pain we feel. Down deep, we’re angry about not getting our needs met, and we feel entitled to meet our needs ourselves, including using sex or unholy relationships. Entitlement also tells us that we do so much, we work so hard, and we’re so stressed that we deserve a reward. Because life is often so difficult, we might even think it’s only fair to do these sexual things. We deserve some comfort and gratification.1
Trauma Reaction or Painful Emotions
The effects of trauma (Wounds) don’t go away by themselves. Painful memories have a way of surfacing and “triggering” feelings that we will choose to deal with one way or another. A “trigger” is the term for any stimulus that brings up much older feelings.
Application
While there are many consequences to our behaviors, whether they involve pornography, emotional affairs or physical infidelity (your “WHAT”), understanding the reasons YOU do what you do is the key to being able to change in your behaviors and experience freedom from the triggers that have led to them.
Your “WHY?” is important! If it is true that this behavior is an attempt to heal a part of your soul, when you seek to shut the thoughts and emotions off, it will silence the voice of your soul. You must give voice to your deepest longings. If you don’t, it will find other ways to talk to you. It craves to be heard, perhaps just as you did when you were a child.
Hear this: If you can hear that voice and find healthy ways to heal the wounds, your fantasies and “stinking thinking” will go away! You won’t need them anymore!
Ask God to teach you what your preoccupations and fantasies mean and how you can find more ultimate fulfillment in a deepening relationship with Him.
Selected excerpts from Laaser, Dr. Mark. L.I.F.E. Recovery Guide for Men: A Workbook for Men Seeking Freedom from Sexual Addiction (pp. 83-84, 131-133).
